I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.