I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down