*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Introverted vegans go meetless
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.