If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant