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This headline is a thing of beauty
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Y’all ready for this
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago