Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical