*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.