And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
You Might Also Like
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Ugh but profoundly
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.