I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*