[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.