Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
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My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party