My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics