I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Lmbo
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.