[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
doing some research
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces