when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??