Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Worst perfume name ever.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”