Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
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Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
that colleague who touches your screen
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.