[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
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king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Phones down.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
guys I’m going home
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.