I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Awwwww shit.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.