My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I will never stop laughing at this
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.