‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
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Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?