So that’s what we looked like?
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.