We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood