[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.