Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
You Might Also Like
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My life in a nutshell
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.