[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
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When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
😲 WTF? 😆
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*limbos away from your hug*
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?