they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
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Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
this is literally a CIA plant
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?