Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
You Might Also Like
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal