Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
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Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
How actors in movies eat their food
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
i meant to share this earlier
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies