Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My first child will be named New Folder.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: