There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
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It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals