Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
You Might Also Like
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?