This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Weirdly Wednesday.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.