Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
love pickles so much i put myself in one
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Pretty much! 😂👀
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?