ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
@ candidates for local office
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.