I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
You Might Also Like
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂