Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Me too, bag. Me too….