Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Just had my nails done!
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?