ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
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[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.