Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
You Might Also Like
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again