Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
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me, after any kind of buffet.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Extremely relatable.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Ron is short for Aaronald
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal