This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.