yes… yes…
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.