HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
When does CPR become necrophilia?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question