ok this is my dumbest yet
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The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume