Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I need a headline like this
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
accurate
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity