Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
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I have so many questions.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Can’t, holding a grudge
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
she has a point
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!