me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Cheer up.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows