At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents