You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.